Today was also the day I failed to be productive.
I realised I have far too many days like this. You see I’m a very sneaky human being, I try to trick myself into thinking I am doing something worthwhile by watching videos on and of things that are supposed to be inspiring to me. While these things do have the desired effect and do make me want to pick up a pen, camera, or guitar, it’s never quite enough and then I’m right back to square one, except this time I’m feeling even worse because I have this desire to create but I just can’t seem to bring myself to do it.
Forcing yourself to be productive is one of the hardest things I’ve ever done but also having to face that you’ve spent yet another day in a position that isn't any closer to where you want to be is also hard. As I write this, my mum is downstairs of the treadmill. If you were a member of my family you'd realise how truly inspiring this is.
This post is an act of defiance, an act rebellion against myself. I thought by collecting this feeling of frustration and turning it into a collation of (semi) coherent words, I will have somehow convinced myself that I haven’t wasted my entire day. I guess I haven’t because while I haven’t done any of the things I was meant to do today, I have realised something. Every time I've thought about actually putting pen to paper, eyes to a page or fingers on strings today, I felt this sinking feeling in my stomach and I think I’ve finally realised what it is.
It’s the fear that whatever I do will be anything other that great. But I read something today that said that the next thing I write doesn’t have to be my magnum opus or the next thing I draw doesn’t have to be the Mona Lisa. It just has to exist and I just has to be mine.
So every day I want to challenge myself. Scratch that, I want to publicly make a commitment to myself to create at least one thing every day. To read at least one thing a day. It doesn’t have to great or anything more than a pile of shit. It just has to be something.
I want to promise myself that I’m not going to let myself become an obstacle in achieving my own dreams and goals. DSLR guide said that at some point you’ve got to start and I’m laughing to myself right now because I was just about to write, “and that day is tomorrow.” That day is today.
I just caught sight of my Keep Calm and Carry On book and I decided to do that thing where the first page you open becomes the mantra for your whole life and it just so happens that the page I turned to was this completely apt quote by Aristotle:
happiness depends on ourselves
And while Aristotle and I have had quite a rocky relationship in the past, today he’s spot on. My happiness depends on myself so I’m going to go out, finish this post, and make my own happiness.